TRANSITIONING...Will Post Soon....

Hey, anyone reading this!

I am in the process of moving from Oregon to Pennsylvania to be near friends and family and I am busy with that transitional phase. Needless to say, its pretty emotional and its having me utilize ALL of the skills and recovery management tools I have at my disposal (and other people's disposal...) to get through this. BUT, I would not have been able to do this even 6 months ago! A fact and the truth. I have come THAT FAR in recovery in a very short period of time.
Well, I will get on top of this blog and into the recovery and alternative treatments and such that I have stumbled upon as soon as I can. I look forward to sharing my stories and education with YOU.

Thanks for sticking with me and for being supportive. This is a good thing.
You will hear from me soon!
Love,
Jon E Why

Famous People and Bipolar Disorder

I am still getting my head together and preparing my posts for the next foray into medication centered articles, but, in the arranging time, I wanted to drop an interesting post listing some famous people who have lived with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses in their lives. These are people who lived before US and many who are currently on the planet. Planet Earth, that is. I just wanted to make that clear because, sometimes, I feel like I may be on some OTHER PLANET when things get a little strange..........

ANYHOW...Like any other disease...at least as far as I know...bipolar disorder and the other mental illnesses that may come with the 'full package deal' doesn't discriminate.

Bipolar disorder does not care if you are rich or poor or if you are famous or if you are an 'ordinary' soul walking the top of this sphere like any one else. Mental illness can be as close to you as a part of your very being or a friend or family member or as inaccessible as an actor in a movie, a great writer, politician, artist or musician that you enjoy and admire.

Some of these folks on the list to follow may surprise you and some may not. What I like about lists such as this is that it gives me an idea that this disease has the ability to disrupt my life to an incredible level...but it also has the ability to take a back seat to what I want in my life and what I strive to become. I know this because I see the folks on this list and the accomplishments they achieved despite their own mental illness. Sure, they may be famous, but they are still human beings and they have had to deal with the same struggles and symptoms that this disease and disorder dishes out. I guess what I am trying to say is that this list INSPIRES ME.

Lists like these are also great reminders that WE ARE NOT ALONE.

I hope that more individuals who ARE in the public eye 'come out' and let the people know that they are living with a mental illness and that they are recovering from it and that IT IS OK TO TALK ABOUT IT.
The more that people discuss, share and describe their own experiences and recovery and hardships and accomplishments, the more power and knowledge we as individuals and a society gain in order to provide the support needed to recover from these mental illnesses. It is as simple as that. I believe that:

Silence keeps US sick.

True courage is something I witness every day when a person with a mental illness allows me into their lives and shares with me their strength, hope, survival and experience.

So, please, share this list with someone and know this: MENTAL ILLNESS is REAL and it is also something that can be treated. Again, I say...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

FAMOUS PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER:

PAST and PRESENT

Buzz Aldrin (astronaut)
Adam Ant (musician)
Ludwig van Beethoven (composer)
Napoleon Bonaparte (political leader)
Tim Burton (artist, director)
Lord Byron (poet)
Dick Cavett (television journalist)
Winston Churchill (politician)
Charles Dickens (author)
DMX, Dark Man X (Earl Simmons) (musician, actor)
Robert Downey Jr. (actor)
Richardy Dreyfuss (actor)
Patty Duke (actress)
Ralph Waldo Emerson (author)
Carrie Fisher (Actress, writer)
Larry Flynt (publisher, activist)
Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald (Writer)
Connie Francis (singer)
Stephen Fry (actor, comedian writer)
Peter Gabriel (musician)
Alan Garner (novelist)
Philip Graham (publisher, businessman)
Macy Gray (musician, actor)
Ivor Gurney (English composer, poet)
Alexander Hamilton (politican)
Linda Hamilton (actress)
Mariette Hartley (actress)
Jimi Hendrix (musician)
Ernest Hemingway (writer)
Hermann Hesse (writer)
Abbie Hoffman (political activist)
Kay Redfield Jamison (clinical psychologist)
Daniel Johnston (musician)
Chris Kanyon (wrestler)
John Keats (poet)
Rep Patrick J. Kennedy (politician)
Otto Klemperer (conductor)
Margot Kidder (actress)
Patrick Kroupa (writer, hacker)
Vivien Leigh (actress)
Jennifer Lewis (actress)
Abraham Lincoln (president)
Kristy McNicol (actress)
Kate Millett (author)
Spike Milligan (comedian, writer)
Ben Moody (musician)
John A. Mulheren (businessman, philanthropist)
Edvard Munch (artist)
Isaac Newston (scientist, mathematician)
Florence Nightingale (nurse)
Sinéad O'Connor (musician)
Susan M. Olmetti (artist)
Ozzy Osbourne (singer)
Cheri Oteri (actress)
Jane Pauley (TV Journalist)
Jimmy Piersail (baseball player)
Jaco Pastorius (musician)
Edgar Allan Poe (poet, writer)
Charlie Pride (musician)
Emil Post (mathematician)
Barret Robbins (NFL football player)
Axl Rose (singer)
Theodore Roosevelt (President)
Cynthia M. Sabotka (author)
Robert Schumann (composer)
Nina Simone (singer)
Michael Spensieri (lawyer, politician)
Robert Louis Stevenson (author)
Ben Stiller (actor)
Sidney Sheldon (producer, writer)
Percy Bysshe Shelley (poet)
Darryl Strawberry (baseball player)
Sting (Gordon Sumner) (actor, musician)
David Strickland (actor)
Sara Teasdale (poet)
Devin Towsend (musician)
Nick Traina (singer)
Timothy Treadwell (environmentalist)
Margaret Trudeau (former spouse of politician)
Ted Turner (businessman)
Mark Twain (author)
Jean-Claude Vn Damme (actor)
Vincent Van Gogh (artist)
Kurt Vonnegut (author)
Scott Weiland (musician)
Oscar Wilde (poet)
Robin Williams (actor)
Brian Wilson (musician)
Virginia Woolf (poet, novelist)

...COMING SOON!!!! Here comes "THE GOOD STUFF!"

Hello to my friends and comrades out there working hard at recovery and struggling to find a way through this cloud of confusion that mental illness and the vast amount of treatment theories, ideas, forced psychiatric placements or hospitalizations, medication regiments, stigma, mis-diagnosis, lack of genuine concern from others, ignorance, pain and suffering WE go through in trying to manage our lives the best we know how can disrupt our vision and impede our progress. I send you my love, empathy, support and care that only a person going through the same illness can truly, deeply feel for another.

I hope that this entry finds you as well as you can be and that you continue to fight the good fight and continue to read along with my blog in hopes that I can offer some alternatives and lifestyle commitments to managing your mental illness and finding relief and empowerment in your world.

I realize that this BLOG is called "Alternative Mental Health Recovery" and that I have yet to really discuss what 'alternative' and 'holistic' approaches I have taken in moving towards recovery from my mental illness by providing postings describing these applications and treatment options to my personal life and then passing on the information and empowerment to you.

I am fully aware of this, folks.

SO, I wanted to drop a 'quick' post to inform my readers and interested parties that my next postings will begin that very process; allowing you insight into my past use of conventional medications, my experiences with these medications and then my personal move and choice to abandon these medications for what I can only say, with all of my heart and soul...

HAS SAVED MY LIFE WHEN I WAS AT THE END OF MY ROPE AND SEVERELY DESPERATE FOR RELIEF AND SOME KIND OF HELP!

My Next Three Postings (...possibly more...sometimes I get a bit hypo-manic with my postings...haha!...) are going to deal with my personal experience with conventional, 'professional' WESTERN medications and treatment and then explain what I learned from these experiences and how I came to believe that there were MANY different, ALTERNATIVE and HOLISTIC and NATURAL and HEALTHY ways of managing my illness and providing myself with relief, comfort, stability, hope and movement on a path of positive and proven recovery that were not being given to me by the very medicine I was being told was MY ONLY HOPE.

Lets just say that I needed to give you a base or reference point to where I have been and where I am coming from before I felt I could sit here and type out lines of suggestions on a very important and LIFE ALTERING illness.

I mean, seriously...who would bother to read some jack-ass' gibberish and "ALTERNATIVE" suggestions and educational points of interest if the person never even felt the terrible grip and horror of a mental illness and its symptoms in their own life? I CERTAINLY NEVER WOULD AND NEVER HAD...so the thought of laying out some VERY unconventional ideas to people who I know are as desperate as I am for relief in their lives with out showing them my own "BATTLE SCARS" and being open and honest about my own experiences would never sit well with me. I'm not that kind of person.

I 'talk the talk' BECAUSE I 'walk the walk'. Fuck, sometimes a crawl the crawl...but I still get to do my very best because I am honest and true to myself and to others. There is NO OTHER WAY FOR ME, NOW.

OK...I guess that is enough of a 'self conscious disclaimer' or excuse to why I have not started tackling the very IDEAS portrayed in the very NAME of this BLOG. I just wanted to be sure YOU know.
WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. I care about YOU. I care about this illness and about finding ways to advocate, support and empower other people living with mental illness to find their path in recovery. I BELIEVE that what I am doing is working and the proof is in my every waking day.

And, AGAIN, I have to say this....WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. I NEED PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

Please accept my invitation to read and learn from the continuation of this Blog and the postings and information I will do my very best to provide. I think (...fuck that, I KNOW...) I can give you some hope...some relief...some BELIEF that you, too, can start gaining some positive ground.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF...TODAY. Thanks for reading!

Love,

Jon E Why

SELF MEDICATION and MENTAL ILLNESS

“Dual-Diagnosed”, “Co-Occurring Illness”, “Double-Trouble”…these are all terms that I have heard that relate to a person or people who are living with and recovering from a mental illness AND substance abuse/addiction or alcoholism. It is a tough path for many and one that I know all too well.

I started to use drugs and alcohol at an early age…but I can also remember feeling ‘different’ and ‘strange’ before I even knew what a mental illness was and YEARS before I was diagnosed and even more years before I was able to start working on recovery from mental illness.

I can remember stealing my first three cans of Budweiser from a family party and hiding in the chicken coop to drink them. I didn’t ‘drink’ the beers as much as GUZZLE THOSE BASTARDS DOWN! Then…Oh my God…I FELT WONDERFUL. I felt like I had found the missing puzzle in my chemical make-up! I felt alive, confident, a little drunk, and mostly…I felt like I was no longer experiencing the turmoil going on in my brain and in my body and in my thoughts. I was numb. I was 11 years old. I had just discovered SELF MEDICATION! GENIUS!

The beer that day made the pain and anxiety and twisted thoughts in my head slow down to a more manageable level and I was able to feel ‘normal’. It would be 20 years later when I can remember sitting next to my younger brother on the front porch on a cool fall day watching the Delaware River ooze by us from across the street when I turned to him and stated that, “the ONLY TIME I ever feel good and collected and safe is when I am completely fucked up on a bunch of beers and dope…”

I think my brother may have lifted his beer in an acknowledged salute to my statement…but that is his own memory to conjure up. Three years after I made that very disturbing but truthful statement, my body and my mind finally gave out on me and said, “FUCK YOU…YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN!” I went from being able to drink a case of beer in one sitting with barely an effect more than a red face and some stumbling and jostling of nerves to a complete ball of human wreckage capable of destroying everyone and anything in my path in a blacked out, booze and drug addled fury after only a couple beers.

THE PARTY WAS OFFICIALLY OVER.

As a great friend of mine use to say before he took his own life,

“Hand in your Drinking Badge, asshole…you are sittin’ this one out!”

Yes, in deed.

You see, self-medicating is what the professionals (read: psychiatrists, doctors, drug and mental health specialists, nurse practitioners, prescribers, social workers, therapists, counselors, case workers…) call this form of substance abuse when done among people who have a diagnosis of a mental illness. But, you don’t have to HAVE a diagnosis from a professional to be caught up in this act of self-medicating. It is something that happens to millions of us who are ONLY TRYING TO FIND SOME RELIEF. Drugs and alcohol mask the pain, dull the senses, make the thoughts and voices softer and quiet the mind. And you don’t even need a prescription! But, of course, there are terrible side effects and consequences. Then again, if you tried to take away my drugs and booze, MY MEDICATION, when I was using and refusing treatment…then you were in for a fight. No matter who seemed to win or lose…I always lost. And I ALWAYS went back to my ‘MEDS’. What the fuck was I supposed to do!?

A couple years ago, out of curiosity, I decided to write out a list of all of the drugs, drinks, potions, pills, powders, hits, highs, lows, herbs and elixirs that I took in my career as a hardcore drug-fiend in my search for a SELF MEDICATION that would keep me safe and happy and as far away from the reality of my inner turmoil that I could. The list is rather gross. I will offer it here not because I am PROUD of my insatiable appetite for these illicit and SELF PRESCRIBED ‘medications’, but because it amazes me that I was able to survive such an onslaught of obviously dangerous and debilitating substances! I offer this list as a testament to the lengths a person suffering from untreated mental illness will go to try and CURE THE PAIN.

Please…don’t try any of these at home (…unless you already have, and I know some of you have…please be careful…):

THINGS I PUT INTO MY HEAD TO CURE ME OF MY OWN HEAD (or something like that…)

BEER, PCP, ‘angel dust’, MARIJUANA, ‘locker room’, hash, hash oil, nutmeg, ‘match stick’, ‘boat’, ‘wet’, embalming fluid, ‘triangles’, LSD-25, ‘micro-dots’, mescaline, codeine, cough syrup, AMP, AMT, ‘Adam’, MDMA, MDA, DiPT, STP, DOM, ‘base’, CRACK, COCAINE, HEROIN, Soma, Formaldehyde, MUSHROOMS, CAT, KETAMINE, ‘circles’, Rohypnol, Nitrous Oxide, Freon gas, ‘crank’, ‘ice’, DET, Dexedrine, Adderal, Methylphenidate, ‘Black Beauties’, ‘white crosses’, Dextromethorphan, DMT(!), DOB, DXM, ‘E’, ECSTASY, ‘Special K’, ephedra, GHB, Fentanyl, Nembutal, Secanol, ‘reds’, ‘yellow jackets’, nicotine, Hydrocodone, Vicodin, Percocet, Percodan, ‘bennies’, Librium, Valium, Xanax, OPIUM, ‘jet fuel’, OXYCONTIN, Darvon, Darvacettes, DILAUDID, ‘hits’, Amyl Nitrate, ‘candy-flips’, SALVIA DIVINORUM, Methadone, Morphine, Methadrine, Quaaludes, ‘barbs’, morning glory seeds, Ativan, ‘speed ball’, ‘parachute’, Malt Liquor, Wine, Whiskey, Vodka, Gin, Rum, Ale, Hard Cider, Everclear, ‘moon shine’, Vermouth, THC, ‘green sticks’, ‘vitamin K’, ‘whippets’, ‘sugar cubes’, ACID, Butylnitrate, Amytal, Sopor, Demerol, MDEA, 2C-B, Mescal, CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE, CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE, CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE, CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE, CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE, CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE, CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE, CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE, CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE…………..

YIKES! Not a list to show the kids. Or maybe it is? Like I said, this is nothing to be proud of, but it is something that I did do and to be perfectly honest, as I always try very hard to be, these substances SAVED MY LIFE at the time I was using them. They helped me stay away from the dismal storm going on inside my head. I never attempted suicide UNTIL I STOPPED taking all these substances. For me, SELF MEDICATION was ALL I HAD.

Which leads me to what I really want to say and to what makes the biggest point. UNTIL drugs and alcohol are erased from your body and you quit them, you CANNOT start to recover who you REALLY ARE.

It is a scary, horrifying, terribly anxious, traumatic and mind-bending concept to those harboring mental illness under layers of drug abused years…but it is the TRUTH. Take away the drugs and we become naked and raw to reality and if you have a mental illness, your reality is a scary place.

Recovery starts when you accept who you are and what you are and what you have done and what you have become.

Recovery starts when you free yourself of the very things YOU THOUGHT WERE HELPING YOU when what they were really doing was prolonging your suffering.

It is not an easy thing to do, to drop these SELF MEDICATIONS and stagger into life head on with no more crutches and ‘life-lines’.

REMEMBER: Addiction and alcoholism are JUST AS MUCH A DISEASE AS CANCER OR DIABETES OR ANY OTHER LIFE THREATENING DISEASE.

But you will find that there are other ways to relieve your pain and suffering. There are more ways than there are drugs and alcohol…more positive and supportive and caring and freeing and life affirming ways.

It is not easy. It’s the hardest thing you WILL EVER DO.

YET…and this is the FINAL TRUTH…IT IS ALSO THE BEST THING YOU CAN EVER DO FOR YOURSELF if you are suffering from mental illness and addiction or alcoholism and want desperately to feel RELIEF and HAVE A LIFE WORTH LIVING. I PROMISE THAT.

Please seek help if you are having substance abuse problems, if you think you are an addict or an alcoholic and if you find that you are stuck in a spot with no where to turn. Reach out for help. You can always contact me. My email is posted and I always right back.

Take care of yourself!

Jon E Why

SUPPORT OF FRIENDS and FAMILY...Backbone of Recovery

“There is perhaps no more effective way to relieve psychic pain than to be in contact with another human being who understands what you are going through and can communicate such understanding to you.” (Frederic Flach, Resilience)

Recently, I was invited to participate in an online phenomena and website called…

www.facebook.com

…that puts you in contact with people you knew in the past or have lost contact with or may have, basically, figured fell off the face of YOUR EARTH and you really haven’t remembered that life goes on outside of your own personal realm.

This site, with in a matter of days, put me into contact with and allowed me to share my current life and to peep into the lives of friends I have not seen or heard from in TOO LONG.

To say that I am blown away by the emotional overload of seeing and hearing from so many people would be THE UNDERSTATEMENT of the year. Holy shit…I haven’t been so emotionally charged and excited and positively jubilant in as long as I can remember. That is no lie.

The reason I decided to put some posts concerning other issues about recovery from mental illness and addiction on hold for a bit is directly linked to these emotions and feelings and the IMPACT I have felt. I wanted to let people know that there really is no better support for people who are struggling with mental illness and recovery than the support of friends and family who share their strength and hope with you and for you and who do not judge you for what may have been in the past.
The support of positive friends and family that give love and thanks and gratitude and companionship and so much more JUST BY BEING who they are…old friends that may have been lost to you for however long a period of time…but, who have always been there in your heart and thoughts and who have always been waiting for the time when LIFE spins around to allow you to be re-connected....these people are what makes the journey SO MUCH easier and naturally therapeutic. It also makes a person realize that they have not cheated DEATH this long just so they can personally continue to suck air. There are other people involved in your personal journey and who matter as much as your own life should matter to you.

IT IS A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE.

I spend a lot of time in support groups related to recovery from addiction and mental illness. I have always found it to be the most beneficial way to feel as if I am not alone, that other people understand what I am experiencing, that other people are struggling and working hard on their own recovery, that these diseases are REAL and not “in my head’ and that I am among other people who care about me as much as I care about them.
These support groups are something that I believe is one of the strongest pillars to creating a strong recovery base. I cherish them and many support groups (AA, NA) have always been there since I started feeling the serious pressures of damage and struggle from my demons way back when I was 17 years old. I may have careened off course a couple times (…What the fuck!? More like about 200 times…) but, whenever I needed to find solace and help and support and care…support groups were ALWAYS there. I never would have made it as far in my years as I have with out them.

Yet, friends and family have not only had to face the destruction and hurt and disappointment and abuse of my addiction and untreated mental illness in the past…they, also, HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE to reach out to me and lend a supportive hand. Even when I was completely out of contact with ALL FAMILY and FRIENDS and ANYONE I EVER KNEW and living on the streets and trying desperately to stay out of the psychiatric ward, hospital and the bone-yard for over a year…MY FAMILY and FRIENDS were still in my thoughts and my heart at all times. YOU PEOPLE ARE WHAT KEPT ME ALIVE IN MY MOST DESPERATE AND HORRIFIC HOURS.

So, I guess what I just want to say is:

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I AM MORE GRATEFUL THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW. I MEAN THAT WITH ALL MY BEING. THANK YOU.

Sincerely,

Jon E Why

“I have discovered over the years that almost everyone I know has been depressed to one degree or another at some point in their life. I could fill this page with names of people who are surviving as I am. All of us need to congratulate ourselves for bearing our pain and learning the tools we need to cope with it. WE ARE VERY COURAGEOUS.” (Julia, person living with mental illness)

My Mental Illness...How It IS FOR ME

I figured I should get my ILLNESS and how it AFFECTS ME out into the open right from the beginning. This is an attempt to explain how mental illness works it's way in my life. I am sure that many folks can relate to this as well as having completely different symptoms...but this is as close as I can come to putting MY EXPERIENCE into words.
I have accepted that I do have a disease, a mental malady that is degenerative if not treated and that is just as deadly as any other harmful DISEASE or ILLNESS that a person may be diagnosed with. Once I accepted that I had bipolar disorder, after years of being miss-informed, miss-diagnosed, refusing to face 'the facts', hiding under drug and alcohol use and refusing to work on a recovery plan and way of life...once I accepted my disease, I was able to start taking ACTION and RESPONSIBILITY for my own RECOVERY. This is key in becoming a person who lives WITH a mental illness (or more...) instead of a person who falls victim to the disease and never gets any recovery or life back. It's a hard road, but I BELIEVE that it is possible. I am only one in a million other people that work everyday at their recovery. I hope you find some support and some clarity and education if you are stuck. REMEMBER THIS: I have my email address posted and I WILL ALWAYS DO ANYTHING I CAN TO ANSWER QUESTIONS, LISTEN, OFFER SUPPORT or JUST BE THAT PERSON WHO CAN RELATE TO YOU. PLEASE UTILIZE ME IF YOU FEEL SAFE AND COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO DO THAT.

HERE’S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER FOR ME:

I get crushing depression that make me feel like it would be easier to die than to go on feeling so grief-stricken. The depression comes with fun physical symptoms like complete weakness and exhaustion to the point of being unable to get out of bed, physical pain all over, sleeping all the time yet waking feeling like I didn't sleep at all (or not being able to sleep despite being exhausted), wanting to eat all the time or not wanting to eat hardly at all, cold chills and hot flashes. I also lose interest in about everything, and nothing seems fun. It's hard to concentrate on anything except the movie I like to call "Everything Fucking Shitty That Ever Happened to Me My Whole Life Starting From Birth". Even when I want to do things or need to do them, I just somehow cannot make myself do them.

Then there’s the hypo-mania: I feel great! I'm really clever and funny! I have lots of energy and drive and can get lots of things done! I'm suddenly much stronger! I feel like I can do anything, like even a Nobel Prize is not out of reach! I'm interested in everything and have lots of great ideas! And I want to have sex and socialize constantly!

Then there's the mania: I can't sleep for 3 days in a row even though I'm so tired. I'm really jumpy and nervous. I can't stop pacing. I start getting paranoid and acting weird. I hear voices and have incredibly intrusive thoughts that will not go away. I get some really strange ideas, and as a result have bad judgment. I want to go shopping, till I drop and spend money I DON’T HAVE on crazy things that I can’t remember buying later on! I do and say stupid things because I'm not thinking straight. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. My mind is going a million miles an hour. I can't get anything done because I'm so restless and befuddled. I act inappropriately. I crack jokes inappropriately. I'm no longer clever and funny; instead I'm acting like an ass. I know I just need to sleep. When can I sleep?

Then there's the mixed-mania: I'm REALLY mad! At everybody! For no good reason! I'm irritable and hateful! I know I'm being a jerk and hate myself for it, but oddly enough I can't stop. I'm laughing one minute, then crying the next. Or I'm laughing and crying at the same time. I feel really depressed and exhausted, but I can't stop pacing. I'm unreasonable and know it, but can't stop. I NEED to sleep, but can't. I feel totally out of control. This is the mood state where I am most likely to feel seriously suicidal. I just feel so AGITATED!

In general, having Bipolar Disorder means that your mood-states are constantly changing for no apparent reason and don't seem to make sense, even to you. Your feelings are so much more extreme than an average person's. Peace is a rare and precious commodity. You often can't control your behavior or feelings, even though everyone insists that you should be able to. It must be nice to be average mood-wise and have this actually be true, because people who don't understand Bipolar Disorder often say things that make you feel bad about yourself when you know you really are sick and are doing the best you can. You are not "acting-out" or "attention-seeking" or "throwing a fit" or "just trying to get your own way".

You never know what world you're going to wake up into, and that's a scary feeling. You don't feel in control of your feelings, behaviors, or physical body, and that's scary as well. You just want to do well in life like everybody else, but it's so hard because you have a tornado going on inside you! Most of all, it's fucking exhausting!

Since I have a form of Bipolar Disorder called “rapid-cycling, mixed bipolar syndrome”, I am in constant calamity. I am fearful when I wake up (if I have slept) because I don’t know what my mood is going to be. It’s like a different trip EVERY SINGLE DAY. Plus, the rapid cycling means I can go from extreme depression with suicidal ideations to extreme mania and over-optimistic behaviors with in hours of each other…all through out the day. It’s a fucking roller coaster. It is frightening for me, those who are around me and for those who care for me.

Since I self medicated for 25 years with every drug known to mankind and NOW I am drug/alcohol free as well as free of psychotropic medications (I am 4 months into ‘my last resort’ of a healthy and alternative natural supplement regiment to combat this disease) I am like a naked child to the elements. I have some idea of who I am…but not much. Every day is a struggle. I am petrified of who I am and of other people and life in general. It makes my self esteem wonder if it has a pulse. Not being able to work, especially when I love to work and love to help other people, has really shot me a tough one right to my heart and soul. I am grateful that I have a $700 check that comes to me from Social Security Disability every month, but that is a minimal amount of money. If I were not with a partner, I would be out on the streets (again) and that is something that is always frightening.

Since I have been hospitalized over 10 times for suicide attempts (5 attempts were near death experiences due to the severity of what I did to myself)…this Mental Illness IS LIFE THREATENING. I have the deep, red and swollen scars to prove it running up and down my arms and wrists. So, besides trying to deal with Life’s hardships, toils, troubles, tribulations and trials…I got this disease on my ass at all times.

I wrote this out in order to try to explain to people what it is like for me. This is as close as I can put it in words. Some days are easier than others. Some days are pure HELL. I think about suicide at least once a day (at least) because that is just how my brain is wired. I will say that these suicidal thoughts have become less severe but they are still apt to reach out and invade my every thought.

I HATE THIS DISEASE and, although I realize that I will have it until I die, I am trying everything…EVERYTHING to make my life bearable and to accept that I will always have to work twice as hard at things most people find little hardship in.

So, that’s it! Go out to your local Mental Health Super Store and get yourself a huge bag of BIPOLAR DISORDER and dive in! IT IS A FUCKING LAUGH-RIOT, FUN TIME! God Bless, Ya!

Sincerely and in hopes that you are OK,
Jon E Why

WELCOME!!! A Safe Place To BE YOU...

Hello to ALL who have stumbled upon this Blog of mine. This is the first time I have ever written a blog before and I am very excited to be able to produce some articles and views that I will base on my OWN EXPERIENCES and MY OWN LIFE.

I am an individual living with mental illness and I am recovering from mental illness. I had a tough road to travel to get to where I am now as I am sure MANY of you have also. Having a mental illness is a struggle that I have been tangling with for over 25 years or more. It hasn't been until very lately that I have decided to try some 'alternative' routes to working on becoming well and on my recovery from mental illness.

In the future, I plan on discussing a lot about my own story in hopes that it will ring true and open some common ground between myself and other readers. I also am going to spend a lot of time discussing alternative and holistic treatment ideas, theories, practices, lifestyle changes, tools, supports and pathways that I feel really do give recovery from mental illness a better chance and allow the person with a mental illness to be able to take better control and management of their own life.

That already sounds like a HUGE ENDEAVOR! But, like they say...one day at a time and take it slow. Mental illness is a serious ailment and I treat it as such. I do have to warn you...I have a bit of a strange sense of humor and I see things differently then many others. This may "color" my Blog entries and my verbal offerings.
ATTENTION: If you are offended by some honest, emotional, passionate, sometimes vulgar or "raw" words and ideas...PLEASE, try to see through the words to the ideas themselves OR, if you find that too hard, PLEASE do not view my Blog. "I gotta BE ME", and I won't change my personality, certainly not at this point, for anyone. Sometimes being positive on a daily basis is tough for me. I'm new to recovery...new to LIFE. I take it as it comes and react to it in my own ways. This is just me being perfectly honest with YOU. I would always expect the same.

I AM LEARNING. I am educating myself and practicing ways to change the behaviors that have harmed me in the past...so things can get wild and chaotic and REAL. I think that is a good thing. Honesty rules and is the best policy.

I hope you will enjoy what I have to offer and what I have to say and share in the near future and PLEASE contribute comments whenever possible. I need the support as much as anyone else.

Alright! Yeah! Lets get this show rolling, shall WE!?

Take care of YOURSELF,

Jon E Why